I ain't kidding
by humorlife
Summary: No Ed bashing.Here goes- "You are NOT kidding! He is actually a werewolf? Complete with the whole fur-thingy, tail-thingy, and snout-thingy and ooh! The I-have-a-meaaaty-dick-thingy?""Yes, just like your Edward has the whole er.. fangy-thingy, sparkly-thingy and ooh! The I-shouldn't-have-an-erection-because-of-no-blood-i n-my-veins-thingy?"
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue:**

"Oh-kay!"

"Yeah."

"Umhmm?"

"Umhmm!"

"Like seriously?"

"Shit serious."

" You are not going to say 'boog! Gotcha!'?"

"If I do, I swear on the Winchesters, I'll go on a date with Joe- the fart machine."

"You are NOT kidding! He is actually a werewolf? Complete with the whole fur-thingy, tail-thingy, and snout-thingy and ooh! The I-have-a-meaaaty-dick-thingy?"

"Yes, just like your Edward has the whole er.. fangy-thingy, sparkly-thingy and ooh! The I-shouldn't-have-an-erection-because-of-no-blood-i n-my-veins-thingy?"

"Bitch! Don't even get started on his erec-"

"Seriously? We are talking about werewolves and vampires and all you can think about is dicks? Why am I not surprised?!"

... :) ... :) ...:D...

A/N: Hey! That was the prologue which was kindda short. First fanfic, so all general rules apply: be kind, be sweet and yea, you could review, fav or just let me know it stands a chance. Plz? Please, please, please? No Bella, cuz I am not a Bella fan. So, welcome aboard!

p.s- It's not slash! Thought I'd mention it. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1- And the Car Got Stalled**

"Oh boy! Isn't this supposed to be romantic in the movies?", sighed Phoebe, leaning out of her car window, currently stalled by the roadside, feeling the heavily falling raindrops on her face. Her short black hair was nearly out of her pony, hanging wet strands unevenly cut.

"Totally romantic! Watery bullets poosh, poosh on my face. Remind me, in what movie are we? Mean guns?", Charlotte was experiencing the highest level of irritation. Her curly, brunette hair was regaining it's frizz because of the humid weather. It was nearing sunset, she had an early online class with her economics professor the next morning and they were still some 36 miles away from their destination. Forks.

"Forks. Will you beleive it? Forks. F-O-R-K-S. Forks. Why would a town be named that? Alas! Alas! For Miss McKay, her knives and forks ran away!" Phoebe started in her baby singsong voice.

"Shut up Pheebs. Please, I beg you." whined Charlotte.

"Point number 1. You can't order and request in the same sentence. That's against elementary language rules. Point number 2" Phoebe continued in her professor voice.(yes, she's a kind of voice artist) "HEY-LLOOO! YOU WERE DRIVING, YOU DON'T GET TO COMPLAIN!" she shouted.

"Right. I would have let you drive if there wasn't a little snag. You. Can't. Drive."

"That is not the point. What kind of a driver doesn't know how to change a punctured tire?"

"I am going to do a course in that first thing tomorrow morning." Charlotte mumbled to herself. "What do we do know?"

"Oh! My nanny always said 'In times of despair and gloom, when dark shadows loom, ask for help to the skies, for the good God always replies' I'm going to pray! You'll have to tolerate" chirped Phoebe.

"Well, you're not praying anywhere near me. So get out of the car and pray".

She got out of the car and kneeled down on the graveled road, soaking to skin in the rain. "Dear God! I am getting drenched in the rain praying to you because I don't mind the rain, I love it, although you could have timed it better, the ass inside the car is supposedly allergic to you and my devotion. Forgive her. And also because it seems fun!"

"Oh Pheeb's God! There she goes!" Charlotte mumbled into her hands.

" So you see, we're stalled and we need- Oh wait!"Phoebe stood up and shook Charlotte. "Pass me your stole please. I'm wearing white without any wonder bra. I don't want my handles showing."

"Yeah! Cuz God would be sooooo pissed." Charlotte said passing her the stole.

"Very funny. It's not for God, but for his finest creation- men!" smirked Phoebe and went back to her praying ritual, chanting Hindu hymns her Indian nanny had taught her, convincing God about how desperately she needed his help. Charlotte plugged in her earphones to cut out the sound of Phoebe's chants and the rain thudding on the roof of their Chevy.

She started thinking about the 'whole changing places thing' from Seattle to Forks, all because Phoebe insisted. She had been her friend since high school. Despite the polar opposites that they seemed at times, they had found a constant confidante in each other. They had their weird similarities and dissimilarities. They both disliked the same kind of people but couldn't like the same people. They liked the same guys on TV but swooned for totally different personalities in school. While Phoebe was the flippant, spontaneous, sarcastic grammar Nazi, Charlotte was the practical, dominating, protective control freak. But could they love each other more!

Finally, too annoyed to enjoy Adele's crooning, she removed her headphones and stepped out of the car. She was about to go mock Phoebe when she spotted a pair of neon headlights in the distance. Phoebe spotted them at the same time. "Oh boy!" she cried out in joy.

"After praying to God, she thanks boys!" Charlotte shook her head and waved frantically along with Phoebe to stop the oncoming car. Phoebe was completely drenched, the stole wrapped around her shoulders was dripping water and her light blue trousers had darkened a whole shade. Charlotte could feel her jeans and tee getting wet. God! Did she hate the rains at the wrong time!

The pair of headlights belonged to a gorgeous silver Volvo. "Boy! That's some car!" Phoebe smiled to herself. She knew, Charlotte, being the automobile whore that she was, would be drooling at the sight of the metallic babe. Despite her indifference to the four-wheeler community at large, this one was sure a catch! The Volvo maneuvered a magnificent turn and skidded to a suh-mooooth halt right in front of them. Charlotte was floored!

...:)...:)...:)...:)...:)...:)...

**a/n: **Ohkay! I have no idea if you guys liked it. I am trying and trying and trying. Just let me know what's missing and what could be done. Pardon my crude english! And yes! That is Edward's (swoon) Volvo!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: T**hank you to all who reviewed. You guys are so friigin' good. Ok! I my story isn't verry good, but I'm making an effort and I got a good number of views, but I'd be so happy if you guys could please review more. I really, really welcome criticism because I want to genuinely write better and better. So I'll stop my rant.

Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer. I own the oc's.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Welcome to Forks**

"God answers prayers honey, you just have to be honest," Phoebe smiled at Charlotte who rolled her eyes in reply.

The window of the silver Volvo rolled down. Behind the wheel was a young, gorgeous woman with short black hair. She had the palest face ever. She smiled and revealed a shinning set of perfect white teeth. Phoebe self consciously pouted, striking her bunny teeth with her tongue. "Boy! I should have got the braces when there was time" she mumbled to herself. Charlotte gave her the weird eye.

"Hey! You guys need some help?" the girl asked, smiling at them.

"Yes, our car got stalled and we were travelling to Forks. We need to be there ASAP." Phoebe replied, shouting over the sound of the cascading rain.

"Oh! I'm heading the same way. Hop on!"

"Yeah, we'll go get our stuff. It's just a couple of bags" Charlotte said relieved. She didn't want to miss her online class for anything in this world. They fetched their bags from the Chevy and got into the Volvo. "We're so sorry. We're getting your seats wet." Phoebe apologized sliding into the backside, dragging her bag with her. The interiors were striking. The dashboard was of some kind of shiny, dark brown wood and the leather felt supple and smooth. "Boy! I could own a library just by renting the car away."

Charlotte got into the passenger seat, "Yeah! We're sorry. The babes so gorgeous, it kills me to wet the fine leather."

"Don't worry! The car belongs to my brother and he won't be angry. Oh! By the way, I'm Alice." she smiled again, starting the car.

"Thank you so much Alice! I'm Phoebe and this is Charlotte." They smiled at each other politely.

"Nice to meet you guys. I was in Seattle shopping for my brother's birthday gift and a couple of dresses" she pointed towards the hood of the car with her thumb. Phoebe turned her neck to look at the bags and boy! That sure was not a COUPLE of bags.

"Forks is another hour away and I'm so glad to have found company. Where are you guys headed by the way?" Alice asked them adjusting the knobs on her stereo at the same time. "You don't mind, do you?"

"No, it's okay. We are headed to Joey's in Forks" Charlotte replied "You can drop us on the way if you're not going that way, you know. We'll be able to manage. Don't want to trouble you anymore."

"Nah! It's completely fine. Joey's the bookstore, right?"

"Yes, that's the one. We're starting work there tomorrow."

"Oh! You guys are obviously new here."

"Way to go Captain obvious!" Phoebe mumbled to herself. Again.

"Yeah! We just got here from Seattle. We needed a vaccation and my Uncle, Max Rodriguez owns the bookstore, so he hired us." Charlotte answered, fondly recalling her bookworm of an uncle. Phoebe was going to love him.

"Oh! So Matt Rodriguez, his son, must be your cousin? He's with me in high school. Nice chap." Alice nodded.

"Oh yes! Charlotte absuh-lutely loves him." Phoebe smirked evilly, leaning forward, "Don't you, poo hands?"

Charlotte fake smiled at her, "Very funny. You see, once that dickhead pasted some dog poo on my my car's door handle when I was on a date. My date opened the door for me and he couldn't wash off the smell even with alcohol!" All three of them burst into fits of laughter upon hearing this. "Yes! Poor guy had to walk around wearing surgical gloves all the time. Baaah! the stink!" Phoebe added scrunching her nose.

"My family is going to love you guys. You'll meet my brothers and Jasper. They're awesome. And Charlotte, you'll love my brother!" exclaimed Alice. This earned a snort from Phoebe who raised her eyebrows at Charlotte, a smirk firmly planted on her face.

"Ex.. Excuse me, Alice but I didn't quite get that?" stuttered Charlotte frowning at Alice.

"Oh, you'll see! He's a darling. Actually, they're all darlings. " Alice smiled indifferent to her obvious discomfort. She broke into a long soliloquy about her entire family. Phoebe found them quite interesting. She didn't understand the part where they apparently dated each other. Wasn't that generally referred to as incest?But boy! Alice sure loved them all. When she spoke about Jasper she seemed so lost that Phoebe wondered if she should ask Charlotte to keep one hand steady on the wheel. The stereo was playing some odd kind of music. To Phoebe it sounded like a lot of trolls grunting and moaning and making weird orgasmic sounds. If that is what her brother listened to, then Forks sure had it's share of perverts!

Night had fallen outside and Phoebe and Charlotte were beginning to feel cold in their wet clothes. The heater seemed to be hardly working. They had entered the town and it seemed perfect to Phoebe. It was calm, small and ... well, small. After an hour of driving in the rain, and discussing all kinds of random topics under the sun, ranging from the Volvo's engine to who's who in Forks, Alice stopped the car in front of a two stored house. It had a small lawn that had tall, unruly grass all over it. The ground floor had a sign reading 'Joey's Bookstore'. They could see the porch light was turned on. Uncle Max was expecting them.

"So girls! You are hereby officially welcomed in Forks" Alice beamed skipping over to stand by them.

Charlotte and Phoebe looked at each other and smiled. As long as they were together, any place was home.

...:)...:)...:)...:)...:)...

A/n: So, here goes chapter 2. I hope you people liked it and tell me if I am going too slow or rushing through things.


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